Barely holding on (an endeavors update)

I started this first part awhile ago...

I feel like I've been barely holding on to control/sanity in my life for the past little while. My gchat status has actually been "very possibly crawling into a hole to just be done with it all." I've felt overwhelmed. The thing is, is that I think a good number of people are feeling this way for various reasons, whether it be the money issues and/or unemployment, making decisions, and as one of my best friends just said "all of the above."

So, I just talked to Elise on the phone for the first time in FOREVER. She's been really busy with life, and when I asked when her baby was due (I didn't even know it was going to be a girl)responded "Well, she was due on April 5th, but I had her last week." Elise has been going to the INCU twice daily to feed her. She is under 5 lbs. This just seems SO tiny to me! Elise was telling me how she feels badly leaving her other two girls to drive down to the hospital to be with her baby (she's there from 8-12 and then goes again at 4:30, I think). But, then I was saying how I understood how/why she would feel badly, but that it's not like it's just a cat that you feel annoyed you have to stop in at home to feed before you can go back out (I'm not a cat fan. Can you tell?). I guess at different points in your kids' lives one or the other of them will need more attention than the others. This is obviously that point in time for her newborn. And, as I am finishing writing this section, Elise's newborn has now gained enough weight and is now home with her.

And I'm finishing this blog tonight, and have reread the first part of this post, and of course, life is still seeming overwhelming, but I'm also just feeling incredibly blessed. I have really great friends in my life and people I care about immensely.

And on a slightly different note of something I've been thinking about...Sometimes I wonder if I am just letting my life happen to me, and not actually taking my life by the balls (am I allowed to say this?) and really making of it what I want it to be. This is a disconcerting feeling. I hope that I'm doing everything in my power to be what I want to be in life. I am happy; I guess I just have a really hard time knowing what is best for me and what direction I want to go in.

I was reading an article in Shape magazine while at the gym the other day about anxiety/nervous breakdowns, and I realized that I may have had my first episode the other night. I feel like this is really personal, but I'm sharing anyways. It was late and I needed to sleep; I knew my body was completely exhausted; and yet, my mind and body would not relax. I've really never experienced such a high level of anxiety before. I started to freak out, because honestly I felt like I was out of control and couldn't pull it together. Too much was on my mind, and I didn't know how to handle it all, or even if any of it was worth trying to handle.

That's all I've got. That's my update...now that I've shared too much information.