My friend just told me on gchat that my blog posts have been pretty DARK lately. My response? I laughed, because I totally know it's true, and wrote "Good. I'm glad I can show my dark side." The thing is, is that I have a hard time with some movies that have a dark tone/message. I mean I like them because they are always thought provoking, but I normally find that the benefits of watching such a movie do not outweigh the costs. For example, "Fight Club." I just end up feeling weird (and dark). I hope my blog posts haven't been disturbing. I have been going through a hard/stressful period though.
My brother, Hunter, has mentioned someone he knows who he thinks is "going through a hard time" and I always get annoyed with this, because I've met the kid and he seems totally fine. When Hunter mentions this he doesn't provide any explanation as to why he thinks this to be so about this kid. And this is because there isn't any reason/explanation. The kid is not "going through a hard time." He's just simply emotionally unstable. It's important to state things clearly. I've been "going through a hard time" because I was stressed about finding a job, starting to substitute teach at the school I used to teach at before grad school and it not going incredibly smoothly, having to live with my parents as they were getting ready to go on a mission, finishing my thesis. I've had a lot going on. However, I'm not "emotionally unstable." Just clearing that up.
However, actually, Hunter just found out that this guy's brother just overdosed and died yesterday; so yes, having a brother that does drugs would maybe be cause for "going through a hard time," but I think he's been doing drugs for a long time.
I think it's really easy to feel completely overwhelmed in life. Being an adult kind of sucks.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Not daddy's little girl.
I realize there are no perfect families, but I just have to vent about this...
So, my whole life I've had a hard time interacting with my father. And, I think one thing that doesn't help the situation is that my mother is fairly open with me about things my father says to her, about me. For example, I will hear from my mother "Your father said that you (insert fairly negative comment here, like...) could be helping out more around the house." or "would look better if you ..." This maybe sounds like reasonable complaints from my father. But, the thing is, is that I don't need to hear it from my mother. My mother should decide whether or not she agrees with the statement and deliver it me as she believes it should be. I grew up (and still feel this way) feeling like my father is always critisizing me and that I am never good enough. I will never forget my father asking me (so, this is coming directly from the source and not from my mother) as I was walking out the door one day to go school, if I didn't want to brush my hair. My hair didn't measure up to his standards, and he wanted it brushed, or just different. This is hurtful. Especially to a girl in her teens who is going through a lot of other crap. And of course, he probably doesn't recall saying this to me, but I will always remember. Kids are sensitive, or maybe I just am. When I was going through my fat years (and there still may be more to come -- who knows), I knew that the pressure to lose weight from my parents was mostly coming from my father.
I have a great father. I realize this, but it's hard for children to feel like they are never doing enough or meeting their parent's expectations. My dad grew up under some really hard circumstances; so what he has provided for in a family is amazing and he may believe that we are a perfect family, but we aren't and part of me wants him to recognize the fact that we don't get along and that's okay. However, I know that hiding the true facts (that you all don't get along) is a necessary way in which families interact and remain somewhat intact.
I'm just not daddy's little girl. I don't know if I ever have been. I think I grew up really quick.
What are your thoughts on this matter?
Another short tangent --- in addition to the huge number of other activities, events, and people they are interacting with, my parents do A LOT of work around the house. It is great that they are such do-it-yourself type people, but it stresses everybody else out with whom they interact. They've got a lot going on right now with getting ready to go on a mission - HIRE someone to do all the yardwork. HIRE someone to help with packing. HIRE someone to put in the stone walkway. I realize these are all expenses, and maybe they don't have the funds. I also realize that even if they do have the funds, they maybe feel these are all things they can take care of on their own and allocate their funds towards other things. I understand this. Certainly. However, DON'T make your kids feel bad for not helping out. This isn't our life. It's yours. We've got our own lives to keep in order or get in order. I've said it once, and I'll say it again -- I don't think kids should feel the pressure of a budget. Even your adult kids should be taken shopping every once in awhile. Am I right? Besides for Christmas or birthdays. Buy them something nice. Pay for groceries. My parents don't do this, and there's a good possiblity they don't want to infringe upon my independence, which they know is necessary since I'm an adult and everything. They also feel it's necessary to teach responsibility. I get it. I know how to be a responsible adult. Been doing it for awhile now. This doesn't mean that not having to pay for a needed dress or sweater every once in awhile wouldn't be very appreciated.
And. done.
So, my whole life I've had a hard time interacting with my father. And, I think one thing that doesn't help the situation is that my mother is fairly open with me about things my father says to her, about me. For example, I will hear from my mother "Your father said that you (insert fairly negative comment here, like...) could be helping out more around the house." or "would look better if you ..." This maybe sounds like reasonable complaints from my father. But, the thing is, is that I don't need to hear it from my mother. My mother should decide whether or not she agrees with the statement and deliver it me as she believes it should be. I grew up (and still feel this way) feeling like my father is always critisizing me and that I am never good enough. I will never forget my father asking me (so, this is coming directly from the source and not from my mother) as I was walking out the door one day to go school, if I didn't want to brush my hair. My hair didn't measure up to his standards, and he wanted it brushed, or just different. This is hurtful. Especially to a girl in her teens who is going through a lot of other crap. And of course, he probably doesn't recall saying this to me, but I will always remember. Kids are sensitive, or maybe I just am. When I was going through my fat years (and there still may be more to come -- who knows), I knew that the pressure to lose weight from my parents was mostly coming from my father.
I have a great father. I realize this, but it's hard for children to feel like they are never doing enough or meeting their parent's expectations. My dad grew up under some really hard circumstances; so what he has provided for in a family is amazing and he may believe that we are a perfect family, but we aren't and part of me wants him to recognize the fact that we don't get along and that's okay. However, I know that hiding the true facts (that you all don't get along) is a necessary way in which families interact and remain somewhat intact.
I'm just not daddy's little girl. I don't know if I ever have been. I think I grew up really quick.
What are your thoughts on this matter?
Another short tangent --- in addition to the huge number of other activities, events, and people they are interacting with, my parents do A LOT of work around the house. It is great that they are such do-it-yourself type people, but it stresses everybody else out with whom they interact. They've got a lot going on right now with getting ready to go on a mission - HIRE someone to do all the yardwork. HIRE someone to help with packing. HIRE someone to put in the stone walkway. I realize these are all expenses, and maybe they don't have the funds. I also realize that even if they do have the funds, they maybe feel these are all things they can take care of on their own and allocate their funds towards other things. I understand this. Certainly. However, DON'T make your kids feel bad for not helping out. This isn't our life. It's yours. We've got our own lives to keep in order or get in order. I've said it once, and I'll say it again -- I don't think kids should feel the pressure of a budget. Even your adult kids should be taken shopping every once in awhile. Am I right? Besides for Christmas or birthdays. Buy them something nice. Pay for groceries. My parents don't do this, and there's a good possiblity they don't want to infringe upon my independence, which they know is necessary since I'm an adult and everything. They also feel it's necessary to teach responsibility. I get it. I know how to be a responsible adult. Been doing it for awhile now. This doesn't mean that not having to pay for a needed dress or sweater every once in awhile wouldn't be very appreciated.
And. done.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Kate Winslet and lingering...
I just think she's beautiful, and smart. Pretty much my all-time favorite movie EVER is Finding Neverland. It is such a beautiful and creative, heartfelt movie. I bawled the first time I saw it, and probably every time.
I actually haven't seen her recent movies. Has anybody seen The Reader or Revolutionary Road?
I'm watching The Holiday on TBS right now. Yes, pathetic. It's my Saturday night activity, but I've been working all day on my paper, and just now deciding I can't handle anymore.
So, this line of Jack Black's just makes me wonder...
Jack Black kisses Kate Winslet on the cheek and the line is: "Sorry, that I kissed you twice, and then lingered a long time on the second time." Granted Jack Black and Kate Winslet are a somewhat odd couple, but I love the line and delivery. And I am just wondering when someone will linger over me.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Barely holding on (an endeavors update)
I started this first part awhile ago...
I feel like I've been barely holding on to control/sanity in my life for the past little while. My gchat status has actually been "very possibly crawling into a hole to just be done with it all." I've felt overwhelmed. The thing is, is that I think a good number of people are feeling this way for various reasons, whether it be the money issues and/or unemployment, making decisions, and as one of my best friends just said "all of the above."
So, I just talked to Elise on the phone for the first time in FOREVER. She's been really busy with life, and when I asked when her baby was due (I didn't even know it was going to be a girl)responded "Well, she was due on April 5th, but I had her last week." Elise has been going to the INCU twice daily to feed her. She is under 5 lbs. This just seems SO tiny to me! Elise was telling me how she feels badly leaving her other two girls to drive down to the hospital to be with her baby (she's there from 8-12 and then goes again at 4:30, I think). But, then I was saying how I understood how/why she would feel badly, but that it's not like it's just a cat that you feel annoyed you have to stop in at home to feed before you can go back out (I'm not a cat fan. Can you tell?). I guess at different points in your kids' lives one or the other of them will need more attention than the others. This is obviously that point in time for her newborn. And, as I am finishing writing this section, Elise's newborn has now gained enough weight and is now home with her.
And I'm finishing this blog tonight, and have reread the first part of this post, and of course, life is still seeming overwhelming, but I'm also just feeling incredibly blessed. I have really great friends in my life and people I care about immensely.
And on a slightly different note of something I've been thinking about...Sometimes I wonder if I am just letting my life happen to me, and not actually taking my life by the balls (am I allowed to say this?) and really making of it what I want it to be. This is a disconcerting feeling. I hope that I'm doing everything in my power to be what I want to be in life. I am happy; I guess I just have a really hard time knowing what is best for me and what direction I want to go in.
I was reading an article in Shape magazine while at the gym the other day about anxiety/nervous breakdowns, and I realized that I may have had my first episode the other night. I feel like this is really personal, but I'm sharing anyways. It was late and I needed to sleep; I knew my body was completely exhausted; and yet, my mind and body would not relax. I've really never experienced such a high level of anxiety before. I started to freak out, because honestly I felt like I was out of control and couldn't pull it together. Too much was on my mind, and I didn't know how to handle it all, or even if any of it was worth trying to handle.
That's all I've got. That's my update...now that I've shared too much information.
I feel like I've been barely holding on to control/sanity in my life for the past little while. My gchat status has actually been "very possibly crawling into a hole to just be done with it all." I've felt overwhelmed. The thing is, is that I think a good number of people are feeling this way for various reasons, whether it be the money issues and/or unemployment, making decisions, and as one of my best friends just said "all of the above."
So, I just talked to Elise on the phone for the first time in FOREVER. She's been really busy with life, and when I asked when her baby was due (I didn't even know it was going to be a girl)responded "Well, she was due on April 5th, but I had her last week." Elise has been going to the INCU twice daily to feed her. She is under 5 lbs. This just seems SO tiny to me! Elise was telling me how she feels badly leaving her other two girls to drive down to the hospital to be with her baby (she's there from 8-12 and then goes again at 4:30, I think). But, then I was saying how I understood how/why she would feel badly, but that it's not like it's just a cat that you feel annoyed you have to stop in at home to feed before you can go back out (I'm not a cat fan. Can you tell?). I guess at different points in your kids' lives one or the other of them will need more attention than the others. This is obviously that point in time for her newborn. And, as I am finishing writing this section, Elise's newborn has now gained enough weight and is now home with her.
And I'm finishing this blog tonight, and have reread the first part of this post, and of course, life is still seeming overwhelming, but I'm also just feeling incredibly blessed. I have really great friends in my life and people I care about immensely.
And on a slightly different note of something I've been thinking about...Sometimes I wonder if I am just letting my life happen to me, and not actually taking my life by the balls (am I allowed to say this?) and really making of it what I want it to be. This is a disconcerting feeling. I hope that I'm doing everything in my power to be what I want to be in life. I am happy; I guess I just have a really hard time knowing what is best for me and what direction I want to go in.
I was reading an article in Shape magazine while at the gym the other day about anxiety/nervous breakdowns, and I realized that I may have had my first episode the other night. I feel like this is really personal, but I'm sharing anyways. It was late and I needed to sleep; I knew my body was completely exhausted; and yet, my mind and body would not relax. I've really never experienced such a high level of anxiety before. I started to freak out, because honestly I felt like I was out of control and couldn't pull it together. Too much was on my mind, and I didn't know how to handle it all, or even if any of it was worth trying to handle.
That's all I've got. That's my update...now that I've shared too much information.
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