Barely holding on (an endeavors update)

I started this first part awhile ago...

I feel like I've been barely holding on to control/sanity in my life for the past little while. My gchat status has actually been "very possibly crawling into a hole to just be done with it all." I've felt overwhelmed. The thing is, is that I think a good number of people are feeling this way for various reasons, whether it be the money issues and/or unemployment, making decisions, and as one of my best friends just said "all of the above."

So, I just talked to Elise on the phone for the first time in FOREVER. She's been really busy with life, and when I asked when her baby was due (I didn't even know it was going to be a girl)responded "Well, she was due on April 5th, but I had her last week." Elise has been going to the INCU twice daily to feed her. She is under 5 lbs. This just seems SO tiny to me! Elise was telling me how she feels badly leaving her other two girls to drive down to the hospital to be with her baby (she's there from 8-12 and then goes again at 4:30, I think). But, then I was saying how I understood how/why she would feel badly, but that it's not like it's just a cat that you feel annoyed you have to stop in at home to feed before you can go back out (I'm not a cat fan. Can you tell?). I guess at different points in your kids' lives one or the other of them will need more attention than the others. This is obviously that point in time for her newborn. And, as I am finishing writing this section, Elise's newborn has now gained enough weight and is now home with her.

And I'm finishing this blog tonight, and have reread the first part of this post, and of course, life is still seeming overwhelming, but I'm also just feeling incredibly blessed. I have really great friends in my life and people I care about immensely.

And on a slightly different note of something I've been thinking about...Sometimes I wonder if I am just letting my life happen to me, and not actually taking my life by the balls (am I allowed to say this?) and really making of it what I want it to be. This is a disconcerting feeling. I hope that I'm doing everything in my power to be what I want to be in life. I am happy; I guess I just have a really hard time knowing what is best for me and what direction I want to go in.

I was reading an article in Shape magazine while at the gym the other day about anxiety/nervous breakdowns, and I realized that I may have had my first episode the other night. I feel like this is really personal, but I'm sharing anyways. It was late and I needed to sleep; I knew my body was completely exhausted; and yet, my mind and body would not relax. I've really never experienced such a high level of anxiety before. I started to freak out, because honestly I felt like I was out of control and couldn't pull it together. Too much was on my mind, and I didn't know how to handle it all, or even if any of it was worth trying to handle.

That's all I've got. That's my update...now that I've shared too much information.

Are you kidding me?

Are people seriously already booking and filling houses to the max already for Duck beach?! (e.g. {Duck Beach 2009 Facebook group})

We have OVER 3 months before this event is going down and already people feel the need to guarantee their spot?

I've said it once and I'll say it again...

http://meredithswift.blogspot.com/2008_04_01_archive.html

The whole thing just sickens me a little bit. Why is going on a vacation with 500 Mormons and most of whom you don't even know (because nobody has that many friends -- not even enough to fill a whole house -- you just go with a friend or two) so appealing? Are you going to find that special someone? No. Are you going to have motivation to be skinny? Yes, but this certainly should not be your only reason for looking good, and if so, I'm sorry you have issues and rely on Duck Beach for your motivation in life.

That being said, I'm not ruling it completely out. If I have friends going, I'll go. Will I organize a house and fill it with all my peeps? No. Because I don't have peeps. My friends aren't all in one group. I was forced to organize a house once before and NEVER again.

I miss Vegas

Let me tell you what I miss about Vegas:

1. The weather. While I like seasons, nothing beats rollarbladding outside in the middle of December in shorts and a tank top.

2. No alarm clocks. I hate alarm clocks and pretty much my whole time in grad school I didn't have to use one. I got up when my body was ready to, and went to the gym for my 9:00 class, came home, showered, worked all day from home, went to school for a class or two, came home.

3. I think I already miss school. I miss having reading and other assignments that I had to get finished daily. I'm still working on my final paper right now, but this just keeps getting procrastinated and procrastinated because I'm working all day, and get home and don't have a deadline that is making me stress yet. I miss class discussions, reading, research. Great, now I'm going to have to do a ph.d.

And, I think that's seriously the extent of it.

Job update

I got a job offer today. It's at my old school where I taught a pre-school/Kindergarten class (4 and 5-year-olds) right before grad school. I'd be the assistant director. This school is one of the three schools in the education foundation of the Sunrise Senior Assisted Living company. One of the schools goes up to 4th grade, and the other to 8th, but this school only serves infants-Kindergarten. I know it's a great company to work for. The school expanded right after I left and is now pretty large. As assistant director, the director and I would have joint responsibilities over parent relations, teacher management, and overseeing curriculum implementation.

I know it's a job that I could do really well at. The questions are: Would they pay me enough? (we haven't discussed pay yet) Is this job going to burn me out? (It's a day care, so the hours are long - 6:45 am - 6:15 pm, but hopefully I wouldn't have to be there this whole time) Is not having direct contact with students (not having my own class of kids) a big plus? Is the economy such that I need to take any job I can get right now? Would I want to teach in a regular school (public or private) instead and have summers off?

Any thoughts on these issues? I'd like to hear people's ideas.

Into the Wild is a depressing movie

Photo courtesy of imdb.com

One of the quotes that strikes me from this movie is the Tolstoy one and I can't find the exact quote, but something about how you can't have happiness unless it (the experience, I guess) is shared with someone else.

So, I'm taking this thought and continuing with the following ... I remember back in 2004 (I think was the year). I was at S. and P. Cannon's wedding and I was sitting with Alexandra and we're talking and she turns to me and gets adamantly serious and says "Meredith, you will get married. You absolutely will get married in your life." I just think this is funny, because just a couple months ago, my brother Spencer tells me "It's possible you won't ever get married." So, I have one good friend telling me not to worry about it, and I have my encouraging (note sarcasm) brother telling me the exact opposite.

Juliette Elizabeth

Juliette on her Birthday

Cutest Juliette's birthday was last week and I gave her a coupon for a trip with me to a "very grown-up" makeup store at Tyson's to have someone do her makeup and take home some things.

So, today we headed over to Tyson's. I thought Sephora had a kids makeup section. They did, but no longer do. So, we tried lots of things and determined what she liked best. I then chose some things and she had to turn around when I was at the purchasing counter. She ended up with the Urban Decay honey sparkley powder, which I also have, and some lip gloss. I also got the new smashbox lip plumper. I've been annoyed with my selection of lip stuff recently, and want everything I have to be clear.

Of course a trip to Coldstone followed where Tette wanted vanilla ice cream with gummi bears on top (not mixed in).

Money

I HATE money. I hate that having it is a necessity in order to live. I hate that people compare their money influx with one another (in an unspoken manner, of course). I disagree with discussions, complaints, or comparisons with others who have more money being topics of conversation. While I believe in open communication with people, I don't believe in saying you don't have enough money to do something. Wrong. You just choose to spend the money you do have in a different manner. Children shouldn't feel the tightness of a budget. When you take them to a store, I don't think they should know that what they get is all dependent on how much everything is. They show you what they like and then you (as a parent) make the decision as to what you are going to give them. It's a surprise and they won't know what they got until they open it.